I am 99% sure that Flatliners is not a horror movie

Okay, so I want to clear up some confusion going around. Some seem to be under the impression that the 2017 movie Flatliners is a horror. Well I have analysed the trailer and I find this very confusing as it is clearly a Diego Luna Med School AU Fanfic. Let’s begin:


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First off the real horror in this trailer is that Diego Luna doesn’t appear until about a minute, and his first appearance appears to be in a blurry background. A less creepy person may not have even noticed him off there in the corner but that person is not me.

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However we are rewarded for our patience by not only a shot of Diego Luna in his med coat but then also stripping off his coat.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.56.31.pngThank you movie lords. Also the movie’s Wikipedia page claims that his name is Ray, and also that a bunch of other attractive individuals are the main characters, which is of course ridiculous as Dr Ray is obviously the star of this picture WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE WATCHING THESE THINGS.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.57.03.pngDr Ray M.D’s arm in a fine grey jumper tends to a patient I’m going to choose to call Terry. As it is Dr Ray tending to him I’m going to assume that the sheer power of his touch revives Terry.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.57.28.pngAnother successful operation complete, Diego Luna, medical student and his fellow med friends, tend to their patient, Paul.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.57.42.pngIf you have seen any episode of any medical show made after the year 2000 then you know that med students work hard and party harder – and I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy – screw like bunnies – but we’ll get to that later. Medical Student MD shows off his fun side by doing shots with his fellow med students/patients/roommates?- I don’t know none of them have been in a Star Wars movie.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.58.20.pngMed Student MD holds his liquor as everyone else runs around the street like fools. He humbly agrees not to let the camera close up on him as everyone else is in a long shot and the world suffers for it.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 22.58.32.pngDr Ray strides through the corridors with the people he is pretending are his peers, even though Diego Luna is 37 and everyone else is in their early 30’s or late 20’s, officially making him the sexy middle-aged version of the Steve Buscemi ‘how do you do fellow kids’ meme. Though of course everyone is that compared to Kiersey Clemmons, who’s 23. (KIERSEY IF THEY EVER GET ROUND TO MAKING THAT FLASH MOVIE I’LL DO ONE OF THESE FOR YOU)

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Dr Ray, MD. PHD, BA, ESQ, is just so happy to be happy you guys.

Screen Shot 2017-07-17 at 23.01.16.pngDr Jay disapproves of a new experimental treatment that involves solely his healing touch bringing people back to life through pure desire to see Diego Luna’s face one last time.

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Dr Ray begins to doubt himself in a fabulous grey long sleeved number, which whilst beautiful is not as tight as the blue shirt. 4½ / 5.

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Dr Ray’s healing touch saves another patient- Hey did you guys know Ellen Page was in this movie- what do you mean she’s the main character – WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS MOVIE IS DR RAY, MEDICAL STUDENT, MD, PHD.

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Dr Ray rocks a hair bun while making the moves on Nina Dobrev, fulfilling a number of people’s very specific fantasy of being Nina Dobrev and hooking up with a variety of attractive actors (DON’T TRY TO DENY IT INTERNET I’VE SEEN THE TUMBLR ‘IMAGINES’)

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Dr Ray finally gets frustrated with his lack of screen time and responds by denying his face. This on it’s own nearly kills a patient.

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Dr Ray begins to think that the life saving business may be too stressful and contemplates becoming a barista instead.

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But the world still needs Dr Ray’s biceps to revive his patient/fellow med student/roommate – look have you guys never seen Grey’s Anatomy – every doctor ends up a patient eventually (RIP GEORGE O’ MALLEY – I HATED YOU BUT GODDAMN YOU HAD A TRAGIC DEATH).  

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The world mourns as Dr Ray throws on a sweater – that being said it is a cute sweater – wait – wait – is that – is that Ethan Chandler adorably out of place for the Victorian era sweater???

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I believe it is.

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The room itself begins to come alive at Dr Ray’s power. How will Dr Ray cope with being this attractive? You’ll just have to watch Flatliners when it comes out the 29th September this year for the continued adventures of Dr Ray and his attractive but not as attractive patients/roommates/science friends.

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Bojack Horseman Trailer Analysis : What’s in store for Season 4?

I know that rhymes, I hate myself, I’m sorry.

Diane

Diane ended last season taking a role at Mia Mckibbin’s blog GirlCroosh. However given how down Diane has been on online journalism sites like Buzzfeed in the past, it’s questionable whether or not she’ll be able to adapt to a working for a website that writes articles like “Swipe Left on the Patriarchy”.

Early reviews have also indicated that part of Diane’s arch this season will involve her taking a surprising position on gun control which the last two stills below support.

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Mr Peanutbutter

And then there’s Mr Peanutbutter. As you’ll remember at the end of the last season he was approached by his ex wife Katrina (who was not pizza) to make a run for governor. It’s kind of questionable how suited Mr Peanutbutter is to actually being the governor, and given the producers claim that the season was written before the results of the election came to pass, I can’t help but wonder if some of this material about an inept political candidate is going to feel less funny than it should.

It also appears to Mr Peanutbutter’s political rival will be called Chuck Woodchuck and judging from the still below, he does not like Mr Peanutbutter’s (although there appears to a picture of them together in his office).

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Diane AND Mr Peanutbutter

One of the things that simultaneously works best and worst for the characters of Diane and Mr Peanutbutter is how independent they are of each other. Mr Peanutbutter is often suited to zany madness like Todd while Diane often finds her self in more serious, introspective plots that often push ideas of depression or happiness. Most of the time this works but occasionally it makes them not seem like a couple at all (perhaps if Diane had been more intune with Mr Peanutbutter’s shenanigans last season Cabracadabra would not have devolved into the disaster it did). Potential conflict was hinted at the end of last season when Mia asked Diane if she would ever be willing to write about her husband if he did something ‘problematic’. Diane has always been a character intune with politics and making a difference so  I’m not sure if she’s going to be able to support Mr Peanutbutter the whole way through his campaign (he is after all an under qualified candidate prone to zany schemes that only occasionally save underwater cities). Perhaps the most alarming shot in the trailer is the last one of this section, in which Mr Peanutbutter appears to push Diane against a wall as she tries to trash his office. Obviously I have no idea what the context is here and I also find it hard to guess. Bojack Horseman is the sort of show where I could see the possibility of  a couple having a fight where they both act shitty, or a character who has constantly portrayed as so effortlessly nice as Mr Peanutbutter snapping and hurting his wife. We’ll have to see when the show hits on Friday.

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Princess Caroline

Princess Caroline’s story this season seems to be focused on having a family. Although she may or may not be conflicted about starting a family with a mouse. I feel like this season may end up getting in to cat/mouse tensions and I’m worried this means Princess Caroline may be headed towards another heartbreak. If it’s going to happen I imagine that the catalyst (no pun intended) will probably be whatever Squeakyvus is, as it appears to be a holiday where mice dress up as cats and maybe tell horror stories about them. As you can see from the trailer shot below, Princess Caroline does not appear to be a fan of this holiday.

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Todd

Todd’s gonna, Todd. As always Todd seems to have a whole new bunch of crazy schemes lined up this season including but not limited to, setting up traps, being photographed by the paparrazzi, being a catwalk model and stealing popcorn with  a drone.

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Bojack

Obviously for a show called Bojack Horseman there really isn’t alot of him in the trailer, which seems to be a key plot this season as no one seems to know where he is or has been. Two definite locations we see in the trailer are Dinoworld and an old house. Dinoworld should be interesting and we might get to see what the dinosaurs were like, and what happened to them in the Bojack universe. The state of the house suggests it might be one from Bojack’s childhood but also it has a lake outback which really reminds me of his dream life from season 1.
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Another theme brought up in a lot of the early reviews is learning to care for others. The appearance of Bojack’s potential daughter and what looks like the illness or possible dementia of his mother, could see him take a turn towards taking care of others for once. Although again this is totally the sort of show that could have a ‘heart of copper’ protagonist commit to fatherhood or throw a devastating paternity fake out our way and I wouldn’t be surprised. If Bojack’s daughter really is his daughter hopefully Bojack won’t f- up these duties too much, hopefully.

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A Cheap Ass Guide to A Defenders Themed Viewing Party

Food:
Having combed over the Netflix series a number of food is mentioned, although none of it really compliments each other so proceed with ensemble caution.

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Look I don’t judge you for your crappy avocado toast okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Avocado Toast: Everyone who has seen Daredevil knows that Foggy and Matt are Avocados at Law, so why not celebrate Matt’s place in the Defenders with this love/hate dish as a tribute to their friendship? Also why not shape the toast into letters and spell out the initials of your favourite characters? Okay British people yes I stole this idea from Love Island DON’T JUDGE ME.

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Chinese Food: There’s a scene well documented in the trailer in which the Defenders sit around in a Chinese restaurant (or in my opinion the Defenders sit around and torture Jessica Jones with their nonsense). Since I have no idea what they’re eating, any Chinese food should fit the theme, although Matt does mention shrimp and pork in the trailer.

 

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Look I don’t judge you for your crappy gingerbread okay?

Gingerbread Defenders: Gingerbread + Icing = ‘Defenders’ Cookies. If you’re fancier and less lazy than me you can do it all home made. But these are the crappy cheap versions. Plus gingerbread is kind of a christmas cookie…. kind of a sweet christmas perhaps? Don’t judge me.


Drink:

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Whiskey: Jessica Jones’ drink of choice. This one works on a budget because technically ‘the cheaper the better’ is more accurate to Jessica’s drink of choice. Check out buzzfeed for a definitive guide .

 Clothing:

If there isn’t much time, just throw on a shirt: Defenders ones are cooler but if it comes to it any MCU shirt will do. Look, they’re all in the same universe.

If you already have a costume ready then go as a Defender, although my personal nomination is to just tie a grey scarf around your head and say that you’re Matt.

Games:

Marvel Trivia

Drinking Game:
Drink when…

  • Jessica drinks
  • Someone claims that the world is changing
  • There’s a group fight scene
  • Claire says that she ‘has a friend’ or ‘knows someone who can help’
  • Two exes have an awkward conversation
  • Iron Fist annoys you with his smugness

(you may be under the table with that last one.)

Sensory Challenge Game: Smell dishes of Chinese food to see if you can identify the contents like Matt… okay yeah I’m stretching with that last one.

THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO EXIST: A Wrinkle in Time

Hi, hi, do you have time to talk about our lord and saviour A Wrinkle in Time?

This is the first instalment of a new series of posts tha I’m starting, which will highlight extremely exciting-looking upcoming movies which people should be, I’m just saying, EXTREMELY EXCITED FOR. This is a series to thank the world that these movies are happening, as well as to be oh SO HAPPY THAT THEY’RE GOING TO EXIST.

(Disclaimer: I cannot guarantee that any of these movies will actually be good when they come out. However, if this particular movie is somehow bad then I will believe that there truly is no formula for good cinema.)

Anyway. First up, A Wrinkle in Time.

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Enjoy all the beautiful pictures I stole from a Wrinkle in Time’s instagram 

 

Quick question: would you like to see a science fiction/ fantasy movie starring a little girl? How about the daughter of two scientists played by Gugu Mbatha and Chris Pine? What if I were to mention this movie also stars Reese Witherspoon, Mindy Kaling, Michael Pena and OPRAH? And is shot in beautiful New Zealand?

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This movie is A Wrinkle in Time.

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Based on the 1963 book by Madeline L’Engle, this looks like an incredibly beautiful movie. The plot focuses on a young girl named Meg Murray and her genius 5 year old brother Charles Wallace, as they investigate their father’s disappearance following his work on the ‘Tesseract’ project. They also run into three inter-dimensional beings called Mrs Who, Mrs Whatsit and Mrs Which, played respectively by Mindy Kaling, Reese Witherspoon, and Oprah, who may just be the new Holy Trinity.

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This movie can definitely be described as a process of love; the creators are finally getting a shot at their passion project. This movie first appeared on my radar as a Jennifer Lee project: the Frozen writer and co-director used the studio brownie points she gained with Frozen to finally get traction on her passion project.

Lee is A Wrinkle in Time’s scriptwriter. As much as people like to hate on Frozen I do think we should give her credit for:

  1. a) Making one of the highest grossing films of all time about sisterly love.
  2. b) Making Disney princesses simultaneously feminine and messy and flawed (which has definitely been seen to some degree in many Disney princesses but really reached peak point for me in Frozen).

And just to top off this movie-making ice cream sundae: the director. Ava Duvernay, director of the Oscar nominated movies The 13th and Selma, is finally getting her big blockbuster movie. It broke my movie news heart when she was briefly but unsuccessfully courted for Black Panther, but she has finally got her mainstream movie break with A Wrinkle in Time. This movie also makes her the first African American woman to direct a movie with a budget which exceeds $100 million.

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Although there’s a tinge of sadness it didn’t happen sooner (and a slight feeling of twice as hard for half as much), there’s a certain beauty in a film that feels like so many people are finally getting their dues. Lee worked her way up at Disney and impressed them with her take on the novel enough to get her favourite childhood novel made. Ava Duvernay worked her way through film industry public relations, before progressing from indie films to Oscar nominated films to her first shot at the mainstream (we’ll talk about her follow up in another one of these episodes). I’m also so happy that this movie will  finally give Mindy Kaling an onscreen role in a big budget movie (I could do a whole separate rant on the wasted lack of big screen time for Mindy Kaling).

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All of this fantastic talent finally getting their just desserts combines to result in a disney science-fiction movie starring a  little non-white girl, written by a women, directed by a women and with a cast filled with women. And when I say women, I don’t just mean white women. How could you NOT be excited for this movie???

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A Wrinkle in Time is currently set to be released March 9th in the US.

Alien Covenant Review

 

 

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In 2012 I walked out of a film called Prometheus. It was a movie that seemed confused, like two different movies smooshed together. The characters may have made dumb decisions, but damn if it didn’t have beautiful visuals and a great Michael Fassbender performance hidden within. It was not a great movie, I didn’t love it but I enjoyed it nonetheless, and I certainly didn’t hate it like a lot of people did.

Cut to 2017, I walk out of a film called Alien Covenant. It was a movie that seemed confused, like two different movies smooshed together. The characters made dumb decisions, but damn if it didn’t have beautiful visuals and a great Michael Fassbender performance hidden within. Only this time I was PISSED.

This movie completely boggles my mind. It is a completely different movie from Prometheus in so many ways, and yet it still managed to make all of the same mistakes. Exactly like Prometheus, it doesn’t know whether it wants to be a meditation on creation and the human condition, or an Alien movie where people die horribly. The result is an awkward mash up between the two, guaranteed to piss off fans of Alien and Prometheus alike. If you’re an Alien fan then you’ll hate Prometheus’ pseudo-intelligent-creation-of-mankind stuff and wonder why the hell it’s in your alien movie. If you go into the movie on the basis  of  ‘oh I vaguely recognize those aliens from pop culture, cool they made another horror movie’ then you’ll be confused by the movie constantly referencing events you haven’t seen and don’t care about. If you’re a Prometheus fan you’ll hate both the fact that they jettisoned half the plot of Prometheus, and the amount of time they devote to killing underdeveloped characters instead of getting to the Prometheus 2 stuff.

 

A second problem is that the human characters don’t really matter. If they can chuck protagonists as quickly as they did Shaw, why are our protagonists important? Why should we care about any of the humans, when we know they’ll probably just meet a horrible fate and be replaced in the next movie? I’ll talk about this at length at another time, as this is a problem with a lot of ‘brand’ franchises.

This movie will only work for two kinds of Prometheus fans; the kind that liked Prometheus but didn’t care for those giant albino Engineers and wanted the protagonist to die a horrible offscreen death, and those who were only interested in Michael Fassbender’s David. If you fall into either category then good news, you are the only person I would recommend this movie to. Even then, you might just end up as annoyed as me, frustrated that Michael Fassbender’s David isn’t in a much better movie where he makes sense. Tragically,  once you look past ‘megalomaniacal robot is megalomaniacal’, the character really doesn’t make sense.

And now I reveal my true colours: Full disclosure: I am a David fan. I really, really liked Michael Fassbender’s performance in Prometheus. David wasn’t the only thing I liked about Prometheus, (I am probably in the extremely small group of people who are mad they killed Shaw, and that they killed her for a movie that managed not to be any better than Prometheus) but David was the best. I may or may not have brought the DVD and basically just fast-forwarded through everything that wasn’t a beautiful landscape shot or Fassbender’s performance, and this movie reminded me of why I did that. However, David’s excellence was 100% the performance, never the script.

 

Everything you could wave away in Prometheus as ‘moral ambiguity’ has gone full on cookoo here. When David pins down our lead, forces a kiss on her (after already kissing his robot doppelganger) and asks her ‘Did I do it right?’, I threw up my hands in frustration. (This is not an expression, I actually did this in the cinema and my friend laughed at me). When he’s supposed to be creepy he nonsensically says ‘night night, don’t let the bedbugs bite’ (What. What. You are in SPACE. I get that it’s creepy but it makes NO sense). After the movie, my friend asked why they didn’t just have him sing that song they were all singing throughout the movie, (which would have 100% worked with the creepy putting to bed theme because lullaby),  and I got even more frustrated.

Because as soon as you think about it, this movie makes no sense. Again, David is the best part, but he makes NO SENSE. This movie left me with so many questions, including but not limited to:

 

  • Why did no one on this colonization mission wear an F-ing helmet when going down to a strange planet?
  • Why was the screaming lady the only one who seemed to realize that infection could be an issue?
  • If that woman was a biologist why did she not immediately suspect that her crew member’s illness could be an infection and call everyone else back to the ship?
  • Why did David bomb the Engineers?
  • Why were all of the Engineers gathered together celebrating the return of a ship that in the first movie was implied to be a biological warfare lab? Is Engineer culture just really pro-science, or were they just so happy that the ship had wiped out humanity? (There’s also a whole host of questions left over from Prometheus that aren’t even worth asking because these movies will never answer them like – why did the Engineers want to kill all humans?).
  • Was David really in love with Shaw? The first movie kind of hints at some kind of feelings, but he claims to have full on loved her?
  • Did David kill Shaw?
  • If so why?
  • Did David rape Shaw? He tells Daniels he’s going to do to her what he did to Shaw before he pins her down and kisses her.
  • Why did David try to kiss everybody?
  • Why did David make Shaw an empty grave if he really dissected her?
  • How is Shaw not completely unrecognizably decomposed at this point?
  • When did David decide he wanted to wipe out all humanity?
  • Why do they give away the ‘twist’ by having ‘Walter’ smile at the alien about 15 minutes before the twist actually went down?

 

And my biggest question:

  • If David always wanted to wipe out humanity why did he take the LITERALLY-IT’S-ENTIRE-PURPOSE-WAS-TO-BE-A-LAB-FOR-A-WEAPON-TO-WIPE-OUT-HUMANS-SHIP to EARTH instead of to the FREAKING ENGINEER’S PLANET?

 

Alien Covenant frustrated me so much because there were parts of it that belonged to much better movies, but those movies all get sucked into one mess of a not-that-good movie. There is presumably a better movie out there somewhere in which this amazing villain makes sense, or where a good alien movie is not tangled up in these philosophical ideas of creation. I think on some level this franchise will always be confused, because I don’t think anyone was asking for an ALIEN franchise that ties the aliens up with bizarre ideas like humanity was created from black goo by giant albinos .

 

Again, what really frustrates me the most is this franchise’s wasted potential. Make an Alien movie. Make a movie about creation and crazy robots. Make a movie about giant albino creators of humanity. But despite Covenant’s best efforts, these probably shouldn’t all be the same movie.

Introducing the Runaways

Oh the Runaways. This is it, this is my comic. This is the comic I am fully aware I will never fairly judge the TV show  adaptations of because it will not be the comic and that’s not the TV show’s fault.  When Captain Marvel was announced I was excited  but Runaways I’m excited but I’m also nervous.  I finally get how the dudes who think every movie ruined they’re childhood feel because I am too attached to this fictional property.  This is the comic I love so much that it makes my heart go a little faster which…. I’m not sure about, are there any nerd doctors on hand, I don’t think that’s normal. ….

Anyway I am here to use my obsession for good, I impart to you, my nerd knowledge…

Introducing the original line up of The Runaways.

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So the basic premise of the Runaways is that once a year a group of rich LA kids have to hang out for a night while their parents have a charity meeting. This year however the teens decide to spy on their parents (and at first assume their hosting some kind of weird sex party) and see them murder a young woman. They discover the horrible truth that their parents are a gang of supervillians named ‘The Pride’.

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The pride has avoided detection all these years because their smart, their not into fighting spiderman in front of banks. Despite their outfits they’re far more into mob crime and they control the entire criminal underworld of L.A. The kids freak out, steal some of their parents weapons and …. you guessed it…. runaway

Alex Wilder

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Alex is the team leader, the son of two regular human mob bosses. Alex’s power lies in his intellect. he’s also a serious superhero fan boy, the first scene of the comic is Alex playing a video game that you think is a really bizarre superhero fight (And if there was a runaways movie then i would have got Chris Evans in to nail a scene a captain america with MMO players voice). Also he has a crush on Nico, one that starts out douchey though. He complains about having to hang with the geeky girl from last year until he discovers she got hot.

Nico Minoru

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The daughter of two dark magicians, Nico’s gothic style is purely coincidental (she also makes her own clothes). Nico is badass and may be suited to be a better team leader than Alex. Nico ‘inherits’ her parent’s heirloom, The Staff of One, when her mum tries to stab her with it. The staff of one is an incredibly powerful magical object that can spellcast almost anything, the catch? It can only cast each spell once. Nico has to get really creative with her spellcasting (OH MY GOD I JUST REALISED PEOPLE MIGHT FINALLY START SELLING AFFORDABLE STAFF OF ONE’S ON ETSY).

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One aspect of the staff of one I’m curious to see if they keep is the fact that the staff emerges only when blood is shed. Note is says ‘shed’ because Nico doesn’t necessarily have to cut herself, she just has to shed blood, but yeah this does mean she has to cut herself with a knife alot. I don’t know if they’ll put that on TV.

Gertrude Yorkes

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Gert,  oh wow my girl! I love Gert she’s the loud mouthed, liberal,over thinking things  to the point of annoying, chubby, sarcastic one. I related to Gert aaalllllooottt. She’s the daughter of time travellers and while she doesn’t have any of her own powers she does have a telepathic dinosaur from the 23rd century. Yes you read that right, it’s called Old Lace and it’s adorable and awesome.

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Chase Stein

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Ah, the teams token and only straight white male member. The Jock son of two scientists, Chase has a tough home life. He is literally introduced in the comics being punched by his abusive father for low grades. When they run away he gets ahold of x ray glasses and gauntlets with built in flamethrowers. He’s one of those jerks with a heart of gold. Deep down Chase has a real sensitivity and kindness to him. By the end of the series he was one of my favourites (who am I kidding I love them all).

Karolina Dean

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The sunny, daughter of ‘the only happy couple  in hollywood’, smily, friendly, vegetarian. But past the perfect facade, deep down Karolina is terrified she’s a freak not only because she’s the child of aliens but also because of her sexuality. While they don’t reveal this explicitly for a long while in the comics her crush on Nico is implied from their very first scenes together from the way she dotes on her. It will also be interesting to see whether in 2017 Karolina will be openly gay from the start (the comic was written in 2004) . Karolina also has some pretty beautiful alien powers and like superman she gets her powers from the sun. They’ve be hidden from her her entire life by a blocker that her parents gave her in the form of a medi alert bracelet.

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Molly Hayes

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Princess Powerful! Molly will probably have to be changed a little from the series because Molly is the child of two mutants who hate humanity for the way they’ve been treated. Molly is the most innocent and youngest member of the gang and the only one that doesn’t witness the original murder. Also everyone around her mistakes the arrival of mutant powers for her period. Molly has super strength and the best summary of her character is perhaps the scene that will sadly never make it into film where she fangirls out over wolverine until her threatens her friends at which point she throws him across the room.

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I am sad this scene will never make it onto a screen. She also has a large collection of often pink hats, some of them coincidently resemble the pink pussy hats. Netflix Punisher crossover anyone?

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All the best Jessica Jones moments from the Defenders trailer

Okay if there was one thing I couldn’t have predicted about the defenders it was the amount of space Jessica Jones would get. One of my biggest worries about the defenders is that Jessica as the least established comic book character and only female team member would get shoved into the ‘girl member role’. This usually entails the audience being told she’s really powerful but the writers forgetting to ever actually show this, not actually contributing anything to the plot, getting kidnapped and always always being left out of the final fight… although the director will still insist, you know she’s definitely the true protagonist, guys. So imagine my surprise when this trailer was full of Jessica Jones moments, let’s go through them all  (and some other guys make a cameo too).

 

We open on Jessica, where else, in handcuffs, looks like she hasn’t improved on her track record with the law

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We get a shot of Jessica super strength breaking a door knob, Misty tells us she’s been interfering in an investigation Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.57.05.png

Misty Knight returns. She is not a fan of Jessica but we’ll forgive that character flaw because to be fair Jessica did F- with her investigation. We learn that Jessica was trying to help someone but they ended up deadScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.57.43.png

Then Matt Murdock bursts in “Jessica Jones? Stop talking”. I swear this scene is straight from the Alias comic book, but the only shot of it I can find online is so tiny you can’t even read the words. You’ll just have to take my word for itScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.58.07.png

 

“Who the hell are you?” Jessica asks. Never change Jess. Also Misty looks like she’s thinking ‘Alright this seems amusing. I’ll allow it’.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.58.40.png

 

Then some stuff happens with Luke Cage and Iron fist it’s all very not Jessica based. Shout out to Luke’s amazing response to Danny calling himself the immortal iron fist though.

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‘You What?”

 

And then there’s Sigourney Weaver as the villain. She makes me want to join the Villain’s side because Sigourney Weaver is my queen and quite frankly the defenders are kind of creepy. I mean come one, their that group of friends that have all slept together except these guys aren’t even friends yet. Depending on exactly how evil her plans are I may switch allegiances half way through this series the way I did on Luke Cage (TEAM SHADY MARIAH FOR LIFE PEOPLE).
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Then there’s another big hallway fight. Look I wasn’t wild about the hallway fight gag even before it turned intentional. Fight somewhere else guys/
Then we are blessed, BLESSED with this exchange:

“You look like an idiot” Jessica says. That’s true Jessica. He does.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.00.54.png

Matt’s reply? “It’s your scarf”Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.01.09.png
…….
……
GUYS.
GUYS.
HE. IS. WEARING. HER SCARF.
HE TOOK HIS TEAM MATES SCARF AND STUCK IT ON HIS HEAD.
HE’S WEARING HER SCARF.
HE’s WEARING A SCARF ON HIS HEAD.
AND IT’S THE ICONIC JESSICA JONES SCARF.
THIS IS MY HALLWAY FIGHT.
THIS IS MY MOMENT.
HE’S GOT HER SCARF ON HIS HEAD.
I NEED A MOMENT.
*Ahem*

Any way, yeah in the actual hallway fight we see the problem that arises when you have such a big main cast. Jessica gets a punch in at the start of the scene, but then she kind of just hilariously stands there waiting for something to do. She’s at the front of the shot too so it’s pretty obvious.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.03.pngScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.17.pngThis better not be a metaphor for her role in the show.

At the end of the trailer Danny’s like oh guys we should team up we’re such an awesome team and Jessica is like yyyeeaaahhh no.Which seems like a reasonable response to me. Who really wants to be on a team with their ex, his new girlfriend’s ex boyfriend and a guy who is the personification of every bro who spent a gap year in Asia and was totally enlightened brah. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.37.png

But Danny insists, “bulletproof, blind ninja… whatever the hell you are”… cause apparently super strength and flight had him stumped? This exchange kind of makes me wonder if they’ll have that underlying level of on off antagonism they do in the comics. Most recently it popped up in the (TERRIBLE) dynamic that cast Jessica as the naggy wife from every Adam Sandler movie and Danny as the bro who just wants to have fun. I personally trace their on off hate back to that time Danny let pregnant Jessica wander round looking for an injured Luke in what she thought was a vast conspiracy when Danny had him all along. Then implied her baby wasn’t Luke’s. Cause Danny is an asshole. Look I know this has nothing to do with the Netflix show I just HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.03.43.png

Action shots demonstrate ‘whatever the hell’ Jessica is, its all Jessica, all punching. It is a GLORIOUS way to end the trailer in my opinion.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.04.05.png

“Classy” Jessica responds, because in this trailer Jessica Jones gets the first and last word. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.04.15.png