Alien Covenant Review

 

 

MV5BMTUxMjU4NTM4M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzczMDY5MTI@._V1_CR0,60,640,360_AL_UX477_CR0,0,477,268_AL_.jpg

In 2012 I walked out of a film called Prometheus. It was a movie that seemed confused, like two different movies smooshed together. The characters may have made dumb decisions, but damn if it didn’t have beautiful visuals and a great Michael Fassbender performance hidden within. It was not a great movie, I didn’t love it but I enjoyed it nonetheless, and I certainly didn’t hate it like a lot of people did.

Cut to 2017, I walk out of a film called Alien Covenant. It was a movie that seemed confused, like two different movies smooshed together. The characters made dumb decisions, but damn if it didn’t have beautiful visuals and a great Michael Fassbender performance hidden within. Only this time I was PISSED.

This movie completely boggles my mind. It is a completely different movie from Prometheus in so many ways, and yet it still managed to make all of the same mistakes. Exactly like Prometheus, it doesn’t know whether it wants to be a meditation on creation and the human condition, or an Alien movie where people die horribly. The result is an awkward mash up between the two, guaranteed to piss off fans of Alien and Prometheus alike. If you’re an Alien fan then you’ll hate Prometheus’ pseudo-intelligent-creation-of-mankind stuff and wonder why the hell it’s in your alien movie. If you go into the movie on the basis  of  ‘oh I vaguely recognize those aliens from pop culture, cool they made another horror movie’ then you’ll be confused by the movie constantly referencing events you haven’t seen and don’t care about. If you’re a Prometheus fan you’ll hate both the fact that they jettisoned half the plot of Prometheus, and the amount of time they devote to killing underdeveloped characters instead of getting to the Prometheus 2 stuff.

 

A second problem is that the human characters don’t really matter. If they can chuck protagonists as quickly as they did Shaw, why are our protagonists important? Why should we care about any of the humans, when we know they’ll probably just meet a horrible fate and be replaced in the next movie? I’ll talk about this at length at another time, as this is a problem with a lot of ‘brand’ franchises.

This movie will only work for two kinds of Prometheus fans; the kind that liked Prometheus but didn’t care for those giant albino Engineers and wanted the protagonist to die a horrible offscreen death, and those who were only interested in Michael Fassbender’s David. If you fall into either category then good news, you are the only person I would recommend this movie to. Even then, you might just end up as annoyed as me, frustrated that Michael Fassbender’s David isn’t in a much better movie where he makes sense. Tragically,  once you look past ‘megalomaniacal robot is megalomaniacal’, the character really doesn’t make sense.

And now I reveal my true colours: Full disclosure: I am a David fan. I really, really liked Michael Fassbender’s performance in Prometheus. David wasn’t the only thing I liked about Prometheus, (I am probably in the extremely small group of people who are mad they killed Shaw, and that they killed her for a movie that managed not to be any better than Prometheus) but David was the best. I may or may not have brought the DVD and basically just fast-forwarded through everything that wasn’t a beautiful landscape shot or Fassbender’s performance, and this movie reminded me of why I did that. However, David’s excellence was 100% the performance, never the script.

 

Everything you could wave away in Prometheus as ‘moral ambiguity’ has gone full on cookoo here. When David pins down our lead, forces a kiss on her (after already kissing his robot doppelganger) and asks her ‘Did I do it right?’, I threw up my hands in frustration. (This is not an expression, I actually did this in the cinema and my friend laughed at me). When he’s supposed to be creepy he nonsensically says ‘night night, don’t let the bedbugs bite’ (What. What. You are in SPACE. I get that it’s creepy but it makes NO sense). After the movie, my friend asked why they didn’t just have him sing that song they were all singing throughout the movie, (which would have 100% worked with the creepy putting to bed theme because lullaby),  and I got even more frustrated.

Because as soon as you think about it, this movie makes no sense. Again, David is the best part, but he makes NO SENSE. This movie left me with so many questions, including but not limited to:

 

  • Why did no one on this colonization mission wear an F-ing helmet when going down to a strange planet?
  • Why was the screaming lady the only one who seemed to realize that infection could be an issue?
  • If that woman was a biologist why did she not immediately suspect that her crew member’s illness could be an infection and call everyone else back to the ship?
  • Why did David bomb the Engineers?
  • Why were all of the Engineers gathered together celebrating the return of a ship that in the first movie was implied to be a biological warfare lab? Is Engineer culture just really pro-science, or were they just so happy that the ship had wiped out humanity? (There’s also a whole host of questions left over from Prometheus that aren’t even worth asking because these movies will never answer them like – why did the Engineers want to kill all humans?).
  • Was David really in love with Shaw? The first movie kind of hints at some kind of feelings, but he claims to have full on loved her?
  • Did David kill Shaw?
  • If so why?
  • Did David rape Shaw? He tells Daniels he’s going to do to her what he did to Shaw before he pins her down and kisses her.
  • Why did David try to kiss everybody?
  • Why did David make Shaw an empty grave if he really dissected her?
  • How is Shaw not completely unrecognizably decomposed at this point?
  • When did David decide he wanted to wipe out all humanity?
  • Why do they give away the ‘twist’ by having ‘Walter’ smile at the alien about 15 minutes before the twist actually went down?

 

And my biggest question:

  • If David always wanted to wipe out humanity why did he take the LITERALLY-IT’S-ENTIRE-PURPOSE-WAS-TO-BE-A-LAB-FOR-A-WEAPON-TO-WIPE-OUT-HUMANS-SHIP to EARTH instead of to the FREAKING ENGINEER’S PLANET?

 

Alien Covenant frustrated me so much because there were parts of it that belonged to much better movies, but those movies all get sucked into one mess of a not-that-good movie. There is presumably a better movie out there somewhere in which this amazing villain makes sense, or where a good alien movie is not tangled up in these philosophical ideas of creation. I think on some level this franchise will always be confused, because I don’t think anyone was asking for an ALIEN franchise that ties the aliens up with bizarre ideas like humanity was created from black goo by giant albinos .

 

Again, what really frustrates me the most is this franchise’s wasted potential. Make an Alien movie. Make a movie about creation and crazy robots. Make a movie about giant albino creators of humanity. But despite Covenant’s best efforts, these probably shouldn’t all be the same movie.

Advertisements

Introducing the Runaways

Oh the Runaways. This is it, this is my comic. This is the comic I am fully aware I will never fairly judge the TV show  adaptations of because it will not be the comic and that’s not the TV show’s fault.  When Captain Marvel was announced I was excited  but Runaways I’m excited but I’m also nervous.  I finally get how the dudes who think every movie ruined they’re childhood feel because I am too attached to this fictional property.  This is the comic I love so much that it makes my heart go a little faster which…. I’m not sure about, are there any nerd doctors on hand, I don’t think that’s normal. ….

Anyway I am here to use my obsession for good, I impart to you, my nerd knowledge…

Introducing the original line up of The Runaways.

first-cast-photo-hulu-and-marvels-runaways.jpgdownload (1).jpeg

So the basic premise of the Runaways is that once a year a group of rich LA kids have to hang out for a night while their parents have a charity meeting. This year however the teens decide to spy on their parents (and at first assume their hosting some kind of weird sex party) and see them murder a young woman. They discover the horrible truth that their parents are a gang of supervillians named ‘The Pride’.

250px-The_Pride (1).jpg

The pride has avoided detection all these years because their smart, their not into fighting spiderman in front of banks. Despite their outfits they’re far more into mob crime and they control the entire criminal underworld of L.A. The kids freak out, steal some of their parents weapons and …. you guessed it…. runaway

Alex Wilder

alexalexr

Alex is the team leader, the son of two regular human mob bosses. Alex’s power lies in his intellect. he’s also a serious superhero fan boy, the first scene of the comic is Alex playing a video game that you think is a really bizarre superhero fight (And if there was a runaways movie then i would have got Chris Evans in to nail a scene a captain america with MMO players voice). Also he has a crush on Nico, one that starts out douchey though. He complains about having to hang with the geeky girl from last year until he discovers she got hot.

Nico Minoru

nicoyt.jpg

The daughter of two dark magicians, Nico’s gothic style is purely coincidental (she also makes her own clothes). Nico is badass and may be suited to be a better team leader than Alex. Nico ‘inherits’ her parent’s heirloom, The Staff of One, when her mum tries to stab her with it. The staff of one is an incredibly powerful magical object that can spellcast almost anything, the catch? It can only cast each spell once. Nico has to get really creative with her spellcasting (OH MY GOD I JUST REALISED PEOPLE MIGHT FINALLY START SELLING AFFORDABLE STAFF OF ONE’S ON ETSY).

Runaways_Vol_2_23_Textless.jpg
One aspect of the staff of one I’m curious to see if they keep is the fact that the staff emerges only when blood is shed. Note is says ‘shed’ because Nico doesn’t necessarily have to cut herself, she just has to shed blood, but yeah this does mean she has to cut herself with a knife alot. I don’t know if they’ll put that on TV.

Gertrude Yorkes

gert2.jpg

Gert,  oh wow my girl! I love Gert she’s the loud mouthed, liberal,over thinking things  to the point of annoying, chubby, sarcastic one. I related to Gert aaalllllooottt. She’s the daughter of time travellers and while she doesn’t have any of her own powers she does have a telepathic dinosaur from the 23rd century. Yes you read that right, it’s called Old Lace and it’s adorable and awesome.

e22edff5c151414ea54b0a13b57440ef.jpg

cda5030c450bf725ae50cf930f42773c.jpg

Chase Stein

chasestein.jpgyb.jpg
Ah, the teams token and only straight white male member. The Jock son of two scientists, Chase has a tough home life. He is literally introduced in the comics being punched by his abusive father for low grades. When they run away he gets ahold of x ray glasses and gauntlets with built in flamethrowers. He’s one of those jerks with a heart of gold. Deep down Chase has a real sensitivity and kindness to him. By the end of the series he was one of my favourites (who am I kidding I love them all).

Karolina Dean

carolina.jpgjaywt.jpg

The sunny, daughter of ‘the only happy couple  in hollywood’, smily, friendly, vegetarian. But past the perfect facade, deep down Karolina is terrified she’s a freak not only because she’s the child of aliens but also because of her sexuality. While they don’t reveal this explicitly for a long while in the comics her crush on Nico is implied from their very first scenes together from the way she dotes on her. It will also be interesting to see whether in 2017 Karolina will be openly gay from the start (the comic was written in 2004) . Karolina also has some pretty beautiful alien powers and like superman she gets her powers from the sun. They’ve be hidden from her her entire life by a blocker that her parents gave her in the form of a medi alert bracelet.

3259146-karolina+dean+flying.png

Molly Hayes

molly.jpgmolyr.jpg

Princess Powerful! Molly will probably have to be changed a little from the series because Molly is the child of two mutants who hate humanity for the way they’ve been treated. Molly is the most innocent and youngest member of the gang and the only one that doesn’t witness the original murder. Also everyone around her mistakes the arrival of mutant powers for her period. Molly has super strength and the best summary of her character is perhaps the scene that will sadly never make it into film where she fangirls out over wolverine until her threatens her friends at which point she throws him across the room.

vsavJmY.jpg

I am sad this scene will never make it onto a screen. She also has a large collection of often pink hats, some of them coincidently resemble the pink pussy hats. Netflix Punisher crossover anyone?

2yn5nye.jpg

 

All the best Jessica Jones moments from the Defenders trailer

Okay if there was one thing I couldn’t have predicted about the defenders it was the amount of space Jessica Jones would get. One of my biggest worries about the defenders is that Jessica as the least established comic book character and only female team member would get shoved into the ‘girl member role’. This usually entails the audience being told she’s really powerful but the writers forgetting to ever actually show this, not actually contributing anything to the plot, getting kidnapped and always always being left out of the final fight… although the director will still insist, you know she’s definitely the true protagonist, guys. So imagine my surprise when this trailer was full of Jessica Jones moments, let’s go through them all  (and some other guys make a cameo too).

 

We open on Jessica, where else, in handcuffs, looks like she hasn’t improved on her track record with the law

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.56.46.png

We get a shot of Jessica super strength breaking a door knob, Misty tells us she’s been interfering in an investigation Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.57.05.png

Misty Knight returns. She is not a fan of Jessica but we’ll forgive that character flaw because to be fair Jessica did F- with her investigation. We learn that Jessica was trying to help someone but they ended up deadScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.57.43.png

Then Matt Murdock bursts in “Jessica Jones? Stop talking”. I swear this scene is straight from the Alias comic book, but the only shot of it I can find online is so tiny you can’t even read the words. You’ll just have to take my word for itScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.58.07.png

 

“Who the hell are you?” Jessica asks. Never change Jess. Also Misty looks like she’s thinking ‘Alright this seems amusing. I’ll allow it’.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.58.40.png

 

Then some stuff happens with Luke Cage and Iron fist it’s all very not Jessica based. Shout out to Luke’s amazing response to Danny calling himself the immortal iron fist though.

Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 20.59.23.png
‘You What?”

 

And then there’s Sigourney Weaver as the villain. She makes me want to join the Villain’s side because Sigourney Weaver is my queen and quite frankly the defenders are kind of creepy. I mean come one, their that group of friends that have all slept together except these guys aren’t even friends yet. Depending on exactly how evil her plans are I may switch allegiances half way through this series the way I did on Luke Cage (TEAM SHADY MARIAH FOR LIFE PEOPLE).
Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.00.16.png

Then there’s another big hallway fight. Look I wasn’t wild about the hallway fight gag even before it turned intentional. Fight somewhere else guys/
Then we are blessed, BLESSED with this exchange:

“You look like an idiot” Jessica says. That’s true Jessica. He does.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.00.54.png

Matt’s reply? “It’s your scarf”Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.01.09.png
…….
……
GUYS.
GUYS.
HE. IS. WEARING. HER SCARF.
HE TOOK HIS TEAM MATES SCARF AND STUCK IT ON HIS HEAD.
HE’S WEARING HER SCARF.
HE’s WEARING A SCARF ON HIS HEAD.
AND IT’S THE ICONIC JESSICA JONES SCARF.
THIS IS MY HALLWAY FIGHT.
THIS IS MY MOMENT.
HE’S GOT HER SCARF ON HIS HEAD.
I NEED A MOMENT.
*Ahem*

Any way, yeah in the actual hallway fight we see the problem that arises when you have such a big main cast. Jessica gets a punch in at the start of the scene, but then she kind of just hilariously stands there waiting for something to do. She’s at the front of the shot too so it’s pretty obvious.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.03.pngScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.17.pngThis better not be a metaphor for her role in the show.

At the end of the trailer Danny’s like oh guys we should team up we’re such an awesome team and Jessica is like yyyeeaaahhh no.Which seems like a reasonable response to me. Who really wants to be on a team with their ex, his new girlfriend’s ex boyfriend and a guy who is the personification of every bro who spent a gap year in Asia and was totally enlightened brah. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.02.37.png

But Danny insists, “bulletproof, blind ninja… whatever the hell you are”… cause apparently super strength and flight had him stumped? This exchange kind of makes me wonder if they’ll have that underlying level of on off antagonism they do in the comics. Most recently it popped up in the (TERRIBLE) dynamic that cast Jessica as the naggy wife from every Adam Sandler movie and Danny as the bro who just wants to have fun. I personally trace their on off hate back to that time Danny let pregnant Jessica wander round looking for an injured Luke in what she thought was a vast conspiracy when Danny had him all along. Then implied her baby wasn’t Luke’s. Cause Danny is an asshole. Look I know this has nothing to do with the Netflix show I just HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.03.43.png

Action shots demonstrate ‘whatever the hell’ Jessica is, its all Jessica, all punching. It is a GLORIOUS way to end the trailer in my opinion.Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.04.05.png

“Classy” Jessica responds, because in this trailer Jessica Jones gets the first and last word. Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 21.04.15.png

MyFanmail April Box Review: ‘The gang’s all here’

Hooray! It’s fanmail box time! This month’s theme is ‘THE GANG’S ALL HERE’IMG_2627.JPG
I really like the box design, it’s cute.

So what’s inside?IMG_2629.JPG

IMG_2634.JPG
A scarf with what I am told is the pattern from charmed on it

IMG_2636.JPG
A Jyn Erso/Rebel Alliance beanie

IMG_2639.JPG
A pin and a set of playing cards from rejected princesses, a book about often overlooked women in history

IMG_2642.JPG

Harry Potter postcard

IMG_2641.JPG

Harley Quinn Nail art

IMG_2643.JPG
A Guardians of the galaxy themed bath bomb with some kind of charm inside, I cannot tell you what charm because I do not currently have a bath.

IMG_2644.JPG
The box also contained a bunch of free previews, including a book preview, promotions for a game company and the legend of korra comic preview.

IMG_2637.JPGIMG_2638.JPG
There is also the card that explains what everything is, this time it also doubles as a colouring page! I really like this little card mainly because I. LOVE. LISTS and this card not only tells you what’s in the box but also all of the upcoming geeky shows and movies you’ll want to put on your calendar.

Overall I’m pretty happy with this month’s box, although all of the items this month are kind of flat in shape which somehow makes it less exciting than last month’s box to me. Is that a weird critique? That’s probably a weird critique.

Let’s over analyse the EW Twin Peaks photos!

ew-1459_8405753443534.jpg
First Cover: Nadine, Ed and James Hurley. 
Okay it may just be for the cover but if their positioning is indicating anything then it seems that, yes Ed has spent yet another twenty years married to a women he doesn’t love. If their faces are any indication Nadine is pretty happy about this while Ed not so much. Poor Norma.
James is also back, presumably with tales of his bizarre sub plot. So I guess that whole leaving Twin Peaks thing was just him being dramatic for a couple of weeks in his teens. He’s also apparently still dressing in the exact same style of clothing as when he was a teenage. I would take more issue with this except even within the original show Ed and Norma were stuck in their respective situations because of essentially one bad weekend from when they were teenagers. Everyone in Twin Peaks is kind of stuck in the past.

ew-1459_97970703344.jpgCover 2: Laura Palmer (?), presumably David Lynch not Gordon Cole, Agent Cooper and Audrey Horne.
Laura is back! Or maybe one of her identical relatives, I really.. can’t tell…
Biggest question of this cover (no it’s not about doughnuts) why is Audrey Horne leaning on Agent Cooper?? Is this just another one of their suggestive publicity photos of old, or could this suggest the two will/or have finally gone there with their relationship? If so I’m not sure how I feel about this because will I love Audrey and Agent Cooper I’m also fairly certain Cooper is possessed. Therefore my reaction is pretty much, get away from him Audrey! Get FAR AWAY.
ew-1459_73924394093.jpgCover 3: Shelley, Bobbie Briggs, Norma
Looks like Shelley and Norma are still stuck at the dinner after all these years. I hope Norma has moved past Ed if he is still married. Hopefully Shelley’s been living free of Leo, though it looks like she may still be with Bobby which I guess means she and Agent Cole never worked anything out. Really Shelley? You haven’t upgraded in 25 years?

000251621hr.jpgHawk! My favourite deputy has returned. I can only hope that he has been made Sheriff in Harry’s absence. I honestly can’t tell and I am not one of those awesome competent with photoshop blogs who can blow the image but that badge could say Sheriff. However it could also say Hawk, Tommy, or Hill for all I know. Anyways I hope my favourite officer continues his job of doing actual investigative work *cough* *cough* Agent Cooper.

000251626hr.jpg
James as we’ve already seen is back. But whose the kid with him? Random Extra or perhaps his son? They do kind of look alike.

000251620hr.jpg
Denise! David Duchovny’s fan favourite character returns. I think the most interesting thing here is Denise looks like one of the only characters who looks like she’s maybe moved on up in life. I mean she could also be being fired at the moment or something it’s kind of hard to tell, but it kind of looks like she’s in some kind of powerful position. It will also be interesting to see how the show handle’s Denise’s character given the improvement  in transgender representation over the years. 000251624hr.jpgAgent Cole is back as is Albert played by the now sadly departed Miguel Ferrer. Perhaps they’re investigating the disappearance of Cooper?

000251630hr.jpgAndy and Lucy are back and like everyone else still working the same jobs. They look worried – about something murder and or Cooper related? Or maybe their kid grew up to be a trouble maker? It would be 25 by now…

Twin Peaks Revival: Predictions and Hopes

Spoilers ahead for all of  Twin Peaks

Predictions

Cooper is BOB
Lets get that elephant out of the room. When we left Twin Peaks Agent Cooper was still possessed. Now the question is, has that status changed at all in the past twenty years? I’d guess not. My prediction is that Agent Cooper is not only  possessed but is now also the face of BOB . After all the little information we have about the series reports Cooper as missing. Sadly the original actor (Frank Silva) who played BOB with such brilliantly terrifying ability passed away back in 1990’s.

Bob.gif
I winced so many times in the process of obtaining this GIF.

However it is unlikely that Twin Peaks will let go of its primary villain. Perhaps we’ll discover that the face we associate BOB with was never even BOB’s original face at all. I can see a reasonable explanation being that he takes on the face of someone if he’s been possessing them for long enough. After inhibiting his body for over twenty five years BOB could have taken on Coop’s face, allowing Kyle MacLachlan to take  on the role.

If not Kyle Maclachlan then Ray Wise will be the face of BOB

The other obvious candidate for the face of BOB is Ray Wise. This would also make alot of sense given that he’s signed up for episodes despite Leland’s death in the series over twenty years ago.He’s not Frank Silva but Ray Wise is a pretty close second, his performance as Leland creeps me out more than his performance as the devil.
giphy-9.gif

The original Twin Peaks ended on a question I’m sure we’re still asking now:

giphy (2).gif

It’s not looking good for her, I mean Twenty-five years ago a murderous spirit really wanted to know how she’s doing and now Heather Graham has stated she wasn’t asked to return.

What if Agent Cooper has essentially been caught up in the same terrible circle of BOB’s evil as Leland was? What if like Leland he’s been forced to carry out murders for the last twenty five years? Does Agent Cooper have his own Laura Palmer? And if so was she able to escape the same fate as Laura. Maybe she got out of town before her father could kill her and became the female FBI agent investigating the town that the promos have mentioned?

Another one of Laura Palmer’s suspiciously similar looking relatives will turn up

Seems a good way to get her back into the show, or Laura aged in purgatory? If any show is going to handwave ageing in purgatory as normal its probably a David Lynch show.

 Lucy and Andy’s baby

Is it gonna be played by Michael Cera? It is isn’t it?
twin peaks - post-it andy.jpg  + Lucy-Moran.jpg = MV5BNTgyNDgxMjUyOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDYxNzY1OQ@@._V1_UX214_CR0,0,214,317_AL_.jpg ?

It would make sense to of the silliest doofiest looking characters in the show would have a child played by the silliest doofiest looking actor around (I’m sorry Michael Cera’s face I’m really sorry!). Honestly the real twist would be that that baby was being played by Amanda Seyfried.

 Ed and Norma are still circling each other:

Honestly one my favourite background things about Twin Peaks, was the revelation that apparently the reason Ed and Norma are in their respective miserable positions is because of one particularly bad weekend in high school that resulted in Norma ending up with  Hank and Ed married to Nadine, who lost her eye. The fact that there was a whole previous generation of teens who had also been involved in ridiculous soap opera shenanigans that had effected their entire lives made the shows teens plot lines a lot easier to swallow. And  It makes the idea in this reboot that everyone would still be hanging around their high school town still living down the things that happened when they were teens a lot more palatable. That’s kind of just what happens in twin peaks apparently.

Hopes:

And, yes all of these hopes are extremely childish and random

Audrey Horne is alive and rules the world
Although things didn’t look to good for Audrey when we last left her, chained to a bank vault which then exploded, the recent book ‘secret history of twin peaks’ has confirmed she survived the blast.

I love Audrey Horne and I can only hope that she’s gone on to achieve what you’d expect from her character. Because recently revivals seem to think to have a compelling story you have to shove your character all the way back to the bottom (Ahem Gilmore Girls). I’d rather see Audrey Horne in a similar position to her Dad. Ruling the world and fighting to stay there, rather than say discovering that after 25 years Audrey still hasn’t gotten to the top.

My one hope for this is that Audrey’s actress loves her probably more than I do. I think Sherilyn Fenn summarised it best in an interview with the AV Club.

AVC: Did you ever imagine her as being Audrey Horne if she’d never left One Eyed Jack’s, or was that just the Twin Peaks fans who did that?

SF: Yeah, that’s just them. I’m like, “Are you kidding? Audrey would’ve taken over her father’s business and would’ve been married to Agent Cooper with many children, doing everything correct. She wouldn’t have a fucking brothel!” [Laughs.] Not at all.

Although it may be best to scratch that Agent Cooper part if he is BOB

Ed and Norma are married 

Just when we thought those crazy kids were finally free to correct the mistakes of their teen years and finally settle down together, Nadine’s sudden regain of her memory but another bump in their plans to settle down. Let’s hope they didn’t spend another twenty years circling each other. (Even though we all know they probably did).

Ben failed at everything

I hate Ben

 Phoebe Tonkin makes a cameo

Even if its just a five second cameo I would love for someone to acknowledge the eerie similarities between Madchen Amick and Phoebe Tonkin, if Shelly’s produced any kids in the last 25 years or gained any similarly looking nieces, Phoebe Tonkin is the actor for the part.

If Harry’s no longer around then, there’s only one guy who should be Sheriff…..

HAWK
Hawk, the greatest deputy ever. It came to my attention while watching Twin Peaks that while Sheriff Truman and Agent Cooper were constantly off playing silly buggers, you know investigating dreams and stuff, Hawk was the one constantly doing the actual police work, interviewing suspects, doing the paperwork. Come up with a hare brain plan to infiltrate one eyed jacks? Need a useful deus ex machina? Look no further it’s Hawk!

Buffy The Vampire Slayer turns 20!

Buffy-Vampire-Slayer-Best-Show.png.jpeg

It’s officially 20 years since Buffy the Vampire slayer hit our screens, so today the internet breaks out in blog tributes to her. I figured I may as well throw my Buffy loving ring into the hat, as #Buffyslays20. (I actually really like this hashtag, unlike most attempts to combined something old with modern slang this one kind of works, I guess because it works on it’s own, I guess not many other shows can use ‘slay’ organically- the ‘I Slay’ shirts are a bit far though).

Oh Buffy, what to say about you? You’re my favourite show, and have been since I was about 14 and tried out a 2nd hand DVD we had lying around the house. Although I didn’t realise at the time, you probably set my standards pretty high for a female lead and what she could do. You also set the standard of TV for me – to this day my favourite style of show is the one that combines episodes with a season long story arc, building up to a (often tragic) show down with the big bad in the season finale.

When I see you advertised and talked about now a lot now people often describe your appeal as camp. While some of your effects and outfits AND references are hilariously outdated now, this does you a true disservice. You’re a funny show, yes you have some great lines and a ton of hilarious moments…….

“Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan”
“We attack the mayor with hummus”
“I stand corrected”

….. but man did you have some gut wrenching moments.

Even your infamous singing episode while full of catchy songs, ends with a break up, abandonment by a father figure and the confession that you didn’t save your friend from hell you stole her from heaven and forced her to come back to a world where she has to work at a burger place just to pay her bills. BTVS your greatest strength was mixing comedy with tragedy.

Beneath the kick-assery of being the chosen one there lay a real tragedy of a teenage girl who had a duty that left her with a very short life span. Sometimes it understandably got too much. Buffy telling Giles she didn’t want to save the world because “I’m sixteen years old, I don’t wanna die” broke my heart. Angel turning evil with a taste for the sadistic. 17 year old Buffy running a sword through her true love’s heart. The entirety of ‘The Body’. Buffy’s sacrifice. The lose of Tara. The yellow crayon. Everyone Joss killed in the final.Dammit Buffy YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS.

So Happy Birthday Buffy, even though it’s an established part of the show that your birthdays always end in disaster, this one feels to big to ignore.

enhanced-22050-1458690053-2.png

No weapons… no friends… no hope. Take all that away and what’s left?
Buffy: Me